Afraid Of Truly Living

For this week’s post, I was going to write about one of a number of topics… give until it hurts, embrace family, live for Tuesdays, etc. But I’m throwing it all out the window and going with my gut on this one. Let’s see if this post can make some sense.

2015 will be my year of happy.

2015 is going to be my best year yet (much like my lovely friend Bailey!). Or, at least, that’s what I am hoping. It hasn’t started out marvelously, per se. I’ve had to make some adjustments in my life, some emotionally tough and some mentally exhausting, but all have been made with the hope that more happiness will flow my way.

The #1 obstacle in the way of my year of happy: fear of allowing myself a chance to be immersed in joy. Basically, being afraid of truly living.

IMG_8248.JPGAre you in the same boat? Let’s try to work this through together. Ask yourself these three questions and follow along (leave your answers in the comments below if you’d like!) to learn about my answers for each one.

  • How did I get in this mindset of being afraid to truly live?
  • What does that concept actually mean for me?
  • Am I even on the right track for it?

The short answer to all of the above for me: I do not know. Perhaps you already have answers to the three questions? If you do, then maybe your quest won’t be as bumpy as mine could potentially be. But if you, too, do not readily know the answer to any of them, stick with me.

How did I get in this mindset of being afraid to truly live?

Look around yourself. You could be thinking, “life’s good, it’s going great, sure I have some problems I’ve had to face, and maybe I am not fulfilled in every way, the people around me do the best they can and I respond accordingly, and maybe I could have a better work situation, maybe I could find some new friends to inspire me, but I’m doing okay overall, yeah.”

What do you think I have been thinking?

“Hey, look at me, I’ve got this blog about being happy, and every day I choose happy, and every day I am awesome, and every day I am fully satisfied!”

-Meghan E.

Right. Do you really think I actually say or believe that stuff about myself? Nope. Sure, I have my moments of happiness, with my positive outlook, smile, excitement over the multitude of little things around me. But bottom line: I’m not truly living… yet.

Bottom line, the hypothetical thoughts I suggested for you: that’s me.

Courtesy of
Courtesy of

And the long answer to the short question, how did I get in this mindset of being afraid to truly live? I was content with good enough. The good enough was so good that I was afraid to step away from friends because I was scared I wouldn’t find new ones. The problems I’ve had to face were essentially brushed aside because the environment around me was “good enough”.

I broke my own heart. Good enough was not great. Things have been “so good” yet not amazing. Realizing that “good enough” led me to my fear of living fully broke my heart.

What does the concept of truly living mean for me?

20140703-055105-21065402.jpgTo truly live, one must search their soul fearlessly and then make decisions based on what he finds buried inside.

I’ve been journaling a lot more recently. My little green Moleskine is worn around the edges, its pages are almost full of my inner monologue. I’ve come to find myself more in my journal than in my blog because a) it’s uncensored, b) I can use names, c) I’m not going to air my dirty laundry online. The physical action of writing from your soul, through your hand, and onto a piece of tangible paper is cathartic for me. And it’s helped me search my soul fearlessly.

Journaling has paved the way for me to start living true to my heart & soul. Start truly living without fear of missing out, fear of changing scenery, fear of exposing your true self to those around you.

Am I even on the right track to begin truly living?

“The first rule of truly living: Do the thing you’re most afraid of.”

-Some Chick From The Vampire Diaries

Let’s map this out–if I’m afraid of truly living and if I want to start truly living, the thing I’m most afraid of is the act of truly living… so that means I have to actually start truly living? Yeah, that makes sense to me, too.

My answer to the third question: sure. (I hope. Otherwise, I made some bad decisions, haha! Indecisiveness FTW.)

I’m just a girl trying to seek joy, constantly searching my soul.

Here’s the thing- if you are searching your soul and making decisions based on what you feel to be right for your future self, then you’ve made the best decision you could with the information you had available at the time. That’s truly living.

I’m going to start being true to myself more. True to my faith. True to my wildest dreams. I am going to continue to give until it hurts, embrace family, and live for Tuesday (eep, my least favorite day of the week). Drink lots of water, eat real foods. Take a gamble if my gut tells me it could be the start of something wonderful. Be unafraid of letting good things go with the hope that great things will come.

I am ready to begin truly living. I am ready to be truly immersed in joy. I hope you join me!


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  1. I was content with everything before I had my epiphany. I was afraid to move away because I knew I wouldn’t be comfortable anymore. I’d have to go through some struggles to be happy, but if I strayed from where I was, who knew what would happen. I’ve resigned myself to those struggles. I know they’ll happen, and I’m prepared to hit them head on if it means my true happiness in life.

    1. Just letting go from FOOD has been a tough journey so far for me. The struggle didn’t last too long, but if I want to be happier it’s just how things are going to have to be. So resigning ourselves to struggles is for the greater good, no?

      1. I agree with that completely. You must go through trials to get to the finish line. No one has ever made it to their final result and said that it was easy.